| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 14:55:41
I cannot promise that I'll get all of it but I'll try.
Attempting to transfer the thread in its entirety would mean hacking into the forums and as I don’t know how to do that, I thought the next best thing is to recreate the thread.
I apologise in advance to any and all posters who think I may have taken a liberty with their intellectual property … I have done my utmost to ensure that all posters are acknowledged. If I have inadvertently missed anyone out, please feel free to contact me and I shall put matters right.
Just one word of warning ... not all the links work but then, not all the links work on the original thread either.
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| 30 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Dingo |
Posted - 04/07/2008 : 19:22:38
Identity Theft
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_may2008/IdentityTheft.htm |
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 30/06/2008 : 22:07:49
quote:
Originally posted by Dingo
Spot the thief
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_feb2007/SpotTheThief.htm
Rather obvious really and the top doesn't realy suit her! |
| Dingo |
Posted - 30/06/2008 : 21:47:00
Spot the thief
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_feb2007/SpotTheThief.htm |
| Dingo |
Posted - 18/06/2008 : 20:33:07
Not strictly humour but I enjoyed it.....
http://generatorblog.blogspot.com/
|
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 22/04/2008 : 14:44:03
 |
| Daveb |
Posted - 22/04/2008 : 14:37:20
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have
him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have
him looking for work in four weeks.'
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another,
and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland,
put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours
|
| long time no see |
Posted - 05/04/2008 : 21:27:14
quote:
Originally posted by Dingo
http://www.phoenixium.com/b3ta/phaserhead280.gif
Great one Dingo. |
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 05/04/2008 : 20:50:13
http://www.kindyland.com/Animator_vs__Animation.htm |
| Dingo |
Posted - 28/03/2008 : 20:47:11
http://www.phoenixium.com/b3ta/phaserhead280.gif |
| Dingo |
Posted - 13/03/2008 : 20:54:11
The Very Quotable Prince Philip:
The following is an article from Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader
To a driving instructor in Scotland: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?"
To a Nigerian diplomat in traditional Nigerian garb: "You look as if you’re ready for bed."
On seeing a fuse box filled with wires, during a visit to an electronics company: "This looks like it was put in by an Indian."
To a chubby 13-year-old boy at a space exploration exhibit, pointing to a space capsule: "You’ll have to lose weight if you want to go in that."
To a smoke-detector activist who lost two of her children in a house fire: "My smoke alarm is a damn nuisance. Every time I run my bath, the steam sets it off and I’ve got firefighters at my door."
To members of the British Deaf Association, while pointing to a loudspeaker playing Caribbean music: "No wonder you are deaf."
To a tourist, during a state visit to Hungary: "You can’t have been here long, you’ve not potbelly."
Speaking to British students studying in China: "If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed."
On the "key problem" facing Brazil: "Brazilians live there."
On his daughter Princess Anne: "If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she isn’t interested."
On seeing a picture once owned by England’s King Charles I in the Louvre in Paris: "So I said to the Queen, ‘Shall we take it back?’"
|
| Tombstone Blues |
Posted - 28/02/2008 : 13:00:35
 |
| Dingo |
Posted - 27/02/2008 : 20:46:09
The list of put-downs covers the last 40 years from British and American TV voted by readers of the TV Times.
Basil Fawlty - Fawlty Towers. To Sybil: "Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmm? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?"
Mrs Merton - The Mrs Merton Show. To Debbie McGee: "So what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"
Edmund Blackadder - Blackadder II. To Lord Percy: "The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Percy?"
Roseanne Conner - Roseanne. To husband Dan: "Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face."
Father Jack Hackett - Father Ted. "Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!"
Carla - Cheers. Cliff: "I'm ashamed God made me a man." Carla: "I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging about it either."
Patsy Stone - Absolutely Fabulous. "One more facelift on this one and she'll have a beard."
Jim Royle - The Royle Family. Nana: "Is this hat too far forward?" Jim: "No. We can still see your face."
Malcolm Tucker - The Thick Of It. To a junior minister: "All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!"
Statler and Waldorf - The Muppet Show. Statler: "Wake up, you old fool, you slept through the show." Waldorf: "Who's a fool? You watched it."
Inspector Monkfish - The Fast Show. To a bereaved woman: "I realise this must be a very difficult time for you, so put your knickers on and go and make me a cup of tea."
No Offence - The Fast Show. "I notice you're not wearing a wedding ring which, given your age, means you're divorced or a lesbian."
Rupert Rigsby - Rising Damp. To lodger Alan, who complains his room is too cold to study in: "The only thing you study is your navel. You even shave lying down."
Nan - The Catherine Tate Show. Describing an encounter with an overweight hospital volunteer: "She said to me last time, 'You look bored, Mrs Taylor. I've got three words for you: Barbara Taylor Bradford.' So I said, 'Yeah? I've got three words for you too: calorie controlled diet."'
The Professor - The Mary Whitehouse Experience. "I have here a copy of your book, Origins of the Crimean War. It smells of poo." "That's because it's been inside your mum's bra."
Alf Garnett - Till Death Us Do Part. "You Scouse git!"
Alexis Carrington - Dynasty. "I'm glad to see your father had your teeth fixed - if not your mouth."
JR Ewing - Dallas. "Ray never was comfortable eating with the family - we do use knives and forks."
Dr Perry Cox - Scrubs. Dr Elliot Reid: "I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here. I am dangerously close to giving up men altogether." Dr Cox: "Then on behalf of men everywhere - and I do mean everywhere, including the ones in little mud huts - let me be the first to say thanks and hallelujah."
Dr Gregory House - House. "You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to stop thinking."
Gary Strang - Men Behaving Badly. "Let's face it, Tony, the only way you're gonna be in there is if you're both marooned on a desert island and she eats a poisonous berry or a nut which makes her temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex."
Arnold Rimmer - Red Dwarf. "Look, we all have something to bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence."
Larry David - Curb Your Enthusiasm. "Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate."
Sam Tyler - Life On Mars. To Gene Hunt: "I think you've forgotten who you're talking to." Sam: "An overweight, over-the-hill, nicotine-stained, borderline-alcoholic homophobe with a superiority complex and an unhealthy obsession with male bonding?"
Captain Mainwaring - Dad's Army. "You stupid boy!"
|
| thedelboy |
Posted - 04/11/2007 : 22:02:40
 |
| NAZZ |
Posted - 03/11/2007 : 01:13:48
http://scifi.videosift.com/video/Eddie-Izzard-and-the-Death-Star-Canteen-done-with-Legos |
| Dingo |
Posted - 02/11/2007 : 21:56:00
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. |
| Dingo |
Posted - 02/11/2007 : 21:31:16
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there especially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Do you cry under water?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me !!!!)
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . .. . . . .. . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? |
| Tombstone Blues |
Posted - 19/10/2007 : 22:42:21
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time". The husband thought for a few moments, then said, "You're much better in bed than your sister" |
| Dingo |
Posted - 19/10/2007 : 18:20:07
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on
Sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we
Got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden
Name?"
---------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come
From?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got
It from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
----------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband
Aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a
Great cook and really good with the kids."
----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he
Can remove a curse he has been living with for
The last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but
You will have to tell me the exact words that
Were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now
Pronounce you man and wife."
-------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It 's So Hard To Solve A
Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
---------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you
Tell me how long it'll take to fly from San
Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
--------------------
-------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the
Murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe
in hell."
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse
asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. But I
didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used
in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
----------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband
and I passed a display of bathing suits It had
been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I
had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I
sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?"
I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never
get it all in one."
----------------------------------------------------------
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old
granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at! Him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "ass hole"
afterwards.
|
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 25/09/2007 : 19:33:27
Love it diamondgeezer |
| diamondgeezer |
Posted - 25/09/2007 : 19:27:53
Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant
A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."
|
| thedelboy |
Posted - 24/09/2007 : 22:56:23
what is Chelsea football teams favourite aftershave??
you go boss (Hugo Boss) |
| Fluffy Sheep |
Posted - 21/09/2007 : 22:05:53
Just bloody typical!! |
| Dingo |
Posted - 21/09/2007 : 21:14:03
Class image |
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 21/09/2007 : 19:51:10
Sorry Ian but this one was too good to pass on merely as a link
 |
| Ian |
Posted - 21/09/2007 : 19:36:37
Silly signs:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_pictures/6993762.stm
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/in_pictures/7006446.stm |
| Fluffy Sheep |
Posted - 06/09/2007 : 20:51:03
Well, if the can market `spray-on mud`, this one shouldn`t surprise us either! |
| Dingo |
Posted - 06/09/2007 : 18:44:23
http://cgi.ebay.com/ebaymotors/Sunroofs_W0QQitemZ260148596999
|
| diamondgeezer |
Posted - 04/08/2007 : 20:11:37
stunt hamster
enjoy |
| Dingo |
Posted - 01/08/2007 : 21:04:51
A tourist visiting Taunton walked into a pet shop and was looking at the
animals on display. While he was there, a Police Sergeant walked in and
said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Traffic Patrol monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop
and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash, handed it to
the customer saying, "That'll be £5,000." The Sgt. paid and walked out
with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said "That was a
very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why
did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is a qualified breath
operator, can write twenty tickets a week, and is certified in pursuit
driving- well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That ones even more
expensive! £10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that ones a firearms training monkey , it can instruct other
monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter terrorism Training, Physical
Training, Small unit tactics and investigative techniques, and even
type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist turned and saw another monkey, with the price tag of £15,000.
"That one must be even better? What does it do?"
That one is a general duties monkey, he is required to know everything
about anything, be there yesterday, and then duplicate the information
12 times before tomorrow, relay the same information to 20 different
departments, write reports about everything that the old monkeys cant
see anymore, be in
5 different places at once, get yelled at by everyone who passes by,
and takes the blame for everything all the other monkeys do wrong."
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey
in a cage of it’s own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He
gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put
together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything
yet, but it says it's a detective!" |
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 25/07/2007 : 00:06:35
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It
is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in |
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