| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 14:55:41
I cannot promise that I'll get all of it but I'll try.
Attempting to transfer the thread in its entirety would mean hacking into the forums and as I don’t know how to do that, I thought the next best thing is to recreate the thread.
I apologise in advance to any and all posters who think I may have taken a liberty with their intellectual property … I have done my utmost to ensure that all posters are acknowledged. If I have inadvertently missed anyone out, please feel free to contact me and I shall put matters right.
Just one word of warning ... not all the links work but then, not all the links work on the original thread either.
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| 30 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 28/11/2008 : 13:18:43
A Catholic priest and a nun were
taking a rare afternoon off and
enjoying a round of golf. The priest
stepped up to the first tee and took a
mighty swing. He missed the ball
entirely and said “Shit, I missed.”
The good Sister told him to watch
his language.
On his next swing, he missed again.
“Shit, I missed.”
“Father, I’m not going to play with
you if you keep swearing,” the
nun said tartly.
The priest promised to do better
and the round continued. On the
4th tee, he misses again. The usual
comment followed.
Sister is really mad now and says,
“Father John, God is going to
strike you dead if you keep swearing
like that.”
On the next tee, Father John
swings and misses again. “Shit, I
missed.”
A terrible rumble is heard and a
gigantic bolt of lightning comes out
of the sky and strikes Sister Marie
dead in her tracks.
And from the sky comes a booming voice...“Shit, I missed!” |
| Dingo |
Posted - 30/09/2008 : 20:20:00
Investment Advice
If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95.
With HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50,
£1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5,
But if you bought £1000 worth of Tennents Lager one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.
So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle.
|
| Dingo |
Posted - 05/09/2008 : 18:59:33
Kermit finds a stash.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v231/CheeseSpecia1ist/animated2287xp.gif
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| Daveb |
Posted - 13/08/2008 : 18:26:24
Who is Schitt?
The lineage is revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt." Now you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertiliser magnet, married O.Schitt, the owner of
Kneedeep N. Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced six children; Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt and the twins, Dip Schitt and Deep Schitt.
Against her parent's wishes, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a High School dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr Sherlock and because her kids were living with them she wanted to keep her previous name, she was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loada Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens daughters were Dawg, Byrd and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt". You can correct them |
| thedelboy |
Posted - 07/08/2008 : 00:05:02
"Whats Tulsa backwards"?
A Slut
whats a slut backwards?
£100 |
| Dingo |
Posted - 03/08/2008 : 22:09:07
Steven Wright Quotes
42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. "You didn't borrow this." "I will."
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store... with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Change is inevitable… except from vending machines.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Even snakes are afraid of snakes.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for "permanent" press?
Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
Half the people you know are below average.
Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I bought a dog the other day. I named him Stay. It's fun to call him. "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me and keeps typing.
I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<<>>><<<>>>. I go down to the pet store - "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
I eat swiss cheese. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
I got a garage door opener. It can't close. Just open.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I had fried octopus last night. You have to be really quiet when you eat it. Otherwise, it emits a cloud of black smoke and falls on the floor.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I had my coathangers spayed.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while - the tires got dizzy.
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes".
[Referring to a glass of water…] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O. I don't trust anybody!
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds "amazing".
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't want your job."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a row."
I went fishing with Rod Ewert. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."
I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. "What are you making?" "A salt lick."
I went to a fancy French restaurant called "Deja Vu." The headwaiter said, "Don't I know you?"
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra xerox machine.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I have time to spare.
I xeroxed my watch. Now I can give away free watches.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
If you tell a joe-k in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joe-k?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above, so I never have to go upstairs.
In school, every period ends with a bell. Every sentence ends with a period. Every crime ends with a sentence.
Is "tired old cliche" one?
It only rains straight down. God doesn't do windows.
It's a fine night to have an evening.
It's a good thing we have gravity or else when birds died they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
My dental hygienist is cute. Every time I visit, I eat a whole package of Oreo cookies while waiting in the lobby. Sometimes she has to cancel the rest of the afternoon's appointments.
My friend Sally is a nudist. I went to her house. The closets have no doors. The walls are covered with see-through wallpaper.
My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
My neighbor has a circular driveway - he can't get out.
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
My socks DO match. They're the same thickness.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
"Officer, I know I was going faster than 55 MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour."
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish. My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. The neighbors thought there was lightning in my house.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
Sally plays strip poker. Whenever she loses, she has to put something on.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Smoking cures weight problems… eventually.
"So, do you live around here often?"
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Sponges grow in the ocean. That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
The sky already fell. Now what?
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
There aren't enough days in the weekend.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Today I dialed a wrong number. The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
What are imitation rhinestones?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What's another word for Thesaurus?
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
When I was in boy scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
Yesterday I found out what doughnuts are for. You put them on doughbolts. They hold dough airplanes together. For kids, they make erector sets out of play-dough.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone... when I came back the entire area was missing.
Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "what for?"
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment, and nobody else shows up, and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time. |
| Dingo |
Posted - 25/07/2008 : 19:28:54
These are actual writings from various hospital charts. Allegedly
1.The patient refused an autopsy.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
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3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
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4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
5 Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
6. On the second day, the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
12. She is numb from her toes down.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated, and sent home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
14. The skin was moist and dry.
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15 Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
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18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
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20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
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21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
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22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
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23. Skin: somewhat pale but present
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24. The pelvis exam will be done later on the floor.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
|
| BLONDIE |
Posted - 23/07/2008 : 04:03:54
The Priest found a quiet corner for his usual morning fondle and got so carried away he didn't see the tourist through the window and the flash of a camera told him he'd been sprung. He chased the tourist and begged "I'll buy the film."
"No you'll buy the camera." said the tourist smugly.
"How much?"
"3,000 dollars"
"That's robbery." said the indignent Priest. But he had little choice so he paid it. Later Sister Beatrice noticed the Priest's new camera.
"How much did you pay for that?" she asked.
"3,000 dollars."
"My God" she said "Somebody must have seen you coming."
.................................
Two nuns are walking down an alley at night when two guys jump out and start raping them. The first nun looks to Heaven and says "Forgive them Father for they know not what they do."
The second nun looks up and says "This one does."
.................................
As the Shop Steward passed his local Church the large sign proclaimed "JESUS LIVES"
Hurrying to the Union office, he worriedly queried "Does this mean no more Easter holidays?"
.................................
Computers go back to the Garden of Eden. Eve had an apple. Adam had a Wang.
.................................
The Hindu rushed into St Patrick's Cathedral and cried, "My Karma has just run over your Dogma."
.................................
The Sunday School teacher asked the class, "Who went to Mount Olive?"
"Popeye", came the quick reply.
................................. |
| Dingo |
Posted - 20/07/2008 : 21:03:17
All this talk of dangerous, genetically modified, food tasting horrible is nonsense. I mean, just today I had a delicious leg of salmon. |
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 20/07/2008 : 11:03:58
10 Rules for surviving your daughter's teenage years:
- Cut your losses
If you can't find the TV guide/stapler/hairbrush/phone/flashlight/nail clippers/deodorant/pepper grinder/can opener/chain saw, etc, do not waste half an hour combing the premises. Remember, you can never get this time back, ever. Go straight to your daughter's room. It will be there.
- Do not question your daughter about the number of hair products in the bathroom
Each hair is an individual and, unlike you, your daughter knows this. And each hair must be treated in the manner best suited to its type, condition, color, degree of frizz, etc. This explains the 6,875,483 bottles of shampoo, conditioner, defrizzers, straightening balms, waxes, salves, leave-in conditioners, wash-out conditioners, deep conditioners, everyday conditioners, scalp treatments, root treatments, total treatments and treatments to remove all other treatments that jostle for position on your bathroom shelf. And yes, they are all needed. However, you can turn this cash drain-and you're the one paying for all these potions-into less of a financial deficit by buying shares in the parent companies concerned. Here is your opportunity to indulge in a little insider trading. -
Never pick up the phone assuming the call is for you
This would be a rare event indeed. The adolescent female brain actually resembles the New York telephone exchange and while it may have trouble retaining useless trigonometric equations, it has no difficulty in multitasking certain intricate operations. Your daughter is quite adept at holding a conversation on her cell phone, chatting to another acquaintance on your land line and typing frantically to a third conspirator in an internet chat room, thus single-handedly tying up the entire household communication network. If someone actually succeeds in penetrating this "wall of words", it will only be yet another one of her verbally-enhanced friends. Your answering the phone will only give the distinct impression to her friends that she actually lives with her parents, thereby eliciting the response mentioned in Rule 1.
- Don't ask your teenager to help with household chores
Really, life's too short to go this route and anyway, it's probably easier to persuade that camel to go through the eye of a needle. Camels, despite their noted bad tempers, are pussycats compared to a teenager being hounded to clean her room, empty the dishwasher or vacuum the hallway. Even if you do succeed in getting such a task completed, the energy expended in doing so will only make you implode in a negative energy imbalance. In other words, do it yourself.
- Book an appointment at the local tattooist and body piercer
Get in early with this one. As soon as the first sign of teenage rebellion manifests, go get yourself "inked up". You know she'll be wanting to do it as a statement of her "independence and emerging individuality," (even though all her friends are doing the same), so you must make the first move. By definition, it can't be cool if you're doing it. Sporting a couple of prominent tatts during her "difficult years" is well worth the price, both financially and emotionally, of seeing your innocent baby covered in an array of pigments and metal objects. And the rattle of a tongue stud on your expensive front bridgework is worth the pitying looks from your colleagues in the boardroom when compared to the thrill of beating your teenager at her own game.
- Don't worry about your daughter doing drugs
This is a great concern for many parents, but it need not be for you. Again, at the first sniff of anything illegal emanating from your teenager's personal space, it's time for you to kit up with all the paraphernalia of the dark side. Bongs, plastic tubing, needles, hydroponics-these are your weapons in the war against drugs. At first, she may think you're cool, but you'll quickly become both an embarrassment and a liability as you loll around in a sea of bottles and bodies. The law of compensation will ensure that she will be horrified by your new behavior and likely pack you off to rehab. Round 7 to you.
- Readily offer to drive your daughter anywhere
The alternative to doing this is that you will have no idea where your offspring is, or who she is with. Or worse, a be-pimpled youth in a vehicle, held together only by rust, will call to whisk her out of your life for the next few hours (or long enough to enter into elaborate, or not so elaborate, mating rituals in the back seat of this conveyance of carnality). Listening to the mindless babble of a gaggle of girls embarking on a shopping blitz or the stony silence of your very own princess is a small price to pay for the sheer terror of a testosterone-laden male making off with your precious genetic material.
- Turn a blind eye to the clothing strewn on the floor of your daughter's room
Nothing hastens a trip to the cardiac ward quicker than getting steamed up over your daughter's choice of floor coverings. Sure, these expensive clothes that you're still paying off with the credit card may now resemble the apparel of a seasoned tramp, but it's a tribal thing really. Teenagers are another species. And just as some people adorn their floors with animal skins, adolescent girls do it with expensive, brand name clothing. Even the Dalai Lama would have trouble coping with this one but you can console yourself with the thought that when your daughter moves out, the carpet will be virtually like new.
[*]Never acknowledge your daughter in public
This is an important one. As the parent of a teenager, you must accept that you have now plummeted to the status of an Untouchable. Should you ever find yourself out in public with your teenage daughter (and this will be rare), do not move within a three-yard radius of your offspring, do not make eye contact and NEVER make bodily contact, especially in a gesture of affection. If you must speak, do so whilst gazing nonchalantly in the opposite direction. Extra points can be gained if you can appear to be mumbling to yourself, thus giving your beloved child the opportunity to pass you off as a complete loony to her friends.
Parents Help Line
|
| Dingo |
Posted - 04/07/2008 : 19:22:38
Identity Theft
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_may2008/IdentityTheft.htm |
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 30/06/2008 : 22:07:49
quote:
Originally posted by Dingo
Spot the thief
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_feb2007/SpotTheThief.htm
Rather obvious really and the top doesn't realy suit her! |
| Dingo |
Posted - 30/06/2008 : 21:47:00
Spot the thief
http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_feb2007/SpotTheThief.htm |
| Dingo |
Posted - 18/06/2008 : 20:33:07
Not strictly humour but I enjoyed it.....
http://generatorblog.blogspot.com/
|
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 22/04/2008 : 14:44:03
|
| Daveb |
Posted - 22/04/2008 : 14:37:20
An Israeli doctor said, 'Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have
him looking for work in six weeks.'
A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have
him looking for work in four weeks.'
A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another,
and have them both looking for work in two weeks.'
The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take an arsehole out of Scotland,
put him in 10 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours
|
| long time no see |
Posted - 05/04/2008 : 21:27:14
quote:
Originally posted by Dingo
http://www.phoenixium.com/b3ta/phaserhead280.gif
Great one Dingo. |
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 05/04/2008 : 20:50:13
http://www.kindyland.com/Animator_vs__Animation.htm |
| Dingo |
Posted - 28/03/2008 : 20:47:11
http://www.phoenixium.com/b3ta/phaserhead280.gif |
| Dingo |
Posted - 13/03/2008 : 20:54:11
The Very Quotable Prince Philip:
The following is an article from Uncle John’s Supremely Satisfying Bathroom Reader
To a driving instructor in Scotland: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough to get them through the test?"
To a Nigerian diplomat in traditional Nigerian garb: "You look as if you’re ready for bed."
On seeing a fuse box filled with wires, during a visit to an electronics company: "This looks like it was put in by an Indian."
To a chubby 13-year-old boy at a space exploration exhibit, pointing to a space capsule: "You’ll have to lose weight if you want to go in that."
To a smoke-detector activist who lost two of her children in a house fire: "My smoke alarm is a damn nuisance. Every time I run my bath, the steam sets it off and I’ve got firefighters at my door."
To members of the British Deaf Association, while pointing to a loudspeaker playing Caribbean music: "No wonder you are deaf."
To a tourist, during a state visit to Hungary: "You can’t have been here long, you’ve not potbelly."
Speaking to British students studying in China: "If you stay here much longer, you’ll all be slitty-eyed."
On the "key problem" facing Brazil: "Brazilians live there."
On his daughter Princess Anne: "If it doesn’t fart or eat hay, she isn’t interested."
On seeing a picture once owned by England’s King Charles I in the Louvre in Paris: "So I said to the Queen, ‘Shall we take it back?’"
|
| Tombstone Blues |
Posted - 28/02/2008 : 13:00:35
 |
| Dingo |
Posted - 27/02/2008 : 20:46:09
The list of put-downs covers the last 40 years from British and American TV voted by readers of the TV Times.
Basil Fawlty - Fawlty Towers. To Sybil: "Oh dear, what happened? Did you get entangled in the eiderdown again? Not enough cream in your eclair? Hmm? Or did you have to talk to all your friends for so long that you didn't have time to perm your ears?"
Mrs Merton - The Mrs Merton Show. To Debbie McGee: "So what first attracted you to the millionaire Paul Daniels?"
Edmund Blackadder - Blackadder II. To Lord Percy: "The eyes are open, the mouth moves, but Mr Brain has long since departed, hasn't he, Percy?"
Roseanne Conner - Roseanne. To husband Dan: "Your idea of romance is popping the can away from my face."
Father Jack Hackett - Father Ted. "Drink! Feck! Arse! Girls!"
Carla - Cheers. Cliff: "I'm ashamed God made me a man." Carla: "I don't think God's doing a lot of bragging about it either."
Patsy Stone - Absolutely Fabulous. "One more facelift on this one and she'll have a beard."
Jim Royle - The Royle Family. Nana: "Is this hat too far forward?" Jim: "No. We can still see your face."
Malcolm Tucker - The Thick Of It. To a junior minister: "All these hands all over the place! You were like a sweaty octopus trying to unhook a bra! It was like watching John Leslie at work!"
Statler and Waldorf - The Muppet Show. Statler: "Wake up, you old fool, you slept through the show." Waldorf: "Who's a fool? You watched it."
Inspector Monkfish - The Fast Show. To a bereaved woman: "I realise this must be a very difficult time for you, so put your knickers on and go and make me a cup of tea."
No Offence - The Fast Show. "I notice you're not wearing a wedding ring which, given your age, means you're divorced or a lesbian."
Rupert Rigsby - Rising Damp. To lodger Alan, who complains his room is too cold to study in: "The only thing you study is your navel. You even shave lying down."
Nan - The Catherine Tate Show. Describing an encounter with an overweight hospital volunteer: "She said to me last time, 'You look bored, Mrs Taylor. I've got three words for you: Barbara Taylor Bradford.' So I said, 'Yeah? I've got three words for you too: calorie controlled diet."'
The Professor - The Mary Whitehouse Experience. "I have here a copy of your book, Origins of the Crimean War. It smells of poo." "That's because it's been inside your mum's bra."
Alf Garnett - Till Death Us Do Part. "You Scouse git!"
Alexis Carrington - Dynasty. "I'm glad to see your father had your teeth fixed - if not your mouth."
JR Ewing - Dallas. "Ray never was comfortable eating with the family - we do use knives and forks."
Dr Perry Cox - Scrubs. Dr Elliot Reid: "I don't think you understand the severity of the situation here. I am dangerously close to giving up men altogether." Dr Cox: "Then on behalf of men everywhere - and I do mean everywhere, including the ones in little mud huts - let me be the first to say thanks and hallelujah."
Dr Gregory House - House. "You can think I'm wrong, but that's no reason to stop thinking."
Gary Strang - Men Behaving Badly. "Let's face it, Tony, the only way you're gonna be in there is if you're both marooned on a desert island and she eats a poisonous berry or a nut which makes her temporarily deaf, dumb, stupid, forgetful and desperate for sex."
Arnold Rimmer - Red Dwarf. "Look, we all have something to bring to this discussion. But I think from now on the thing you should bring is silence."
Larry David - Curb Your Enthusiasm. "Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate."
Sam Tyler - Life On Mars. To Gene Hunt: "I think you've forgotten who you're talking to." Sam: "An overweight, over-the-hill, nicotine-stained, borderline-alcoholic homophobe with a superiority complex and an unhealthy obsession with male bonding?"
Captain Mainwaring - Dad's Army. "You stupid boy!"
|
| thedelboy |
Posted - 04/11/2007 : 22:02:40
 |
| NAZZ |
Posted - 03/11/2007 : 01:13:48
http://scifi.videosift.com/video/Eddie-Izzard-and-the-Death-Star-Canteen-done-with-Legos |
| Dingo |
Posted - 02/11/2007 : 21:56:00
HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. |
| Dingo |
Posted - 02/11/2007 : 21:31:16
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?
What is the speed of darkness?
Are there especially reserved parking spaces for "normal" people at the Special Olympics?
If it's true that we are here to help others, what are the others doing here?
Do married people live longer than single ones or does it only seem longer?
Do you cry under water?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
Did you ever stop and wonder......
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these pink dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there... I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's bum."
Why do toasters always have a setting so high that could burn the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?
Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their bum when they ask where the bathroom is?
Why does your Obstetrician, Gynaecologist leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream ??
If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? (This one kills me !!!!)
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
Stop singing and read on . .. . . . .. . .
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster? |
| Tombstone Blues |
Posted - 19/10/2007 : 22:42:21
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said, "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time". The husband thought for a few moments, then said, "You're much better in bed than your sister" |
| Dingo |
Posted - 19/10/2007 : 18:20:07
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on
Sex, marriage, and values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we
Got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden
Name?"
---------------------------------------------
A little boy went up to his father and asked:
"Dad, where did all of my intelligence come
From?"
The father replied. "Well, son, you must have got
It from your mother, 'cause I still have mine."
----------------------------------------------------------
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband
Aside, and said,
"I don't like the looks of your wife at all,"
"Me neither, Doc," said the husband. "But she's a
Great cook and really good with the kids."
----------------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he
Can remove a curse he has been living with for
The last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but
You will have to tell me the exact words that
Were used to put the curse on you.
The old man says without hesitation, "I now
Pronounce you man and wife."
-------------------------------------
Two Reasons Why It 's So Hard To Solve A
Redneck Murder
1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
---------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you
Tell me how long it'll take to fly from San
Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute..."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
--------------------
-------------------------------------
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the
Murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
----------------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe
in hell."
----------------------------------------------------------
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse
asks him how he is feeling. "I'm O. K. But I
didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used
in surgery," he answered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
----------------------------------------------------------
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband
and I passed a display of bathing suits It had
been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I
had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I
sought my husband's advice. "What do you think?"
I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an
all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never
get it all in one."
----------------------------------------------------------
Grandpa was driving with his 9 year old
granddaughter and beeped the horn by mistake.
She turned and looked at! Him for an explanation.
He said, "I did that by accident."
She replied, "I know that, Grandpa."
He replied, "How did you know?"
She said, "Because you didn't say "ass hole"
afterwards.
|
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 25/09/2007 : 19:33:27
Love it diamondgeezer |
| diamondgeezer |
Posted - 25/09/2007 : 19:27:53
Don't Argue With The Gay Flight Attendant
A flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed an extremely well-dressed and exotic young woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."
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