| T O P I C R E V I E W |
| Easy 10 |
Posted - 11/08/2007 : 23:29:31
I'm pleased to say I managed to infiltrate the meeting last Tuesday, and its GOOD NEWS I think. It was all over surprisingly quickly. Here's a rough translation of the meeting.
Exclusive transcript recorded at Falmer Parish Council meeting, Village Hall, 7th August 2007.
* faint background noises of chickens, various livestock, and the hum of a 6 lane dual carriageway *
Cuttress: "OK, thank you all for attending this evening. Unfortunately Councillor Barnes couldn't make it tonight. He had a prior commitment building a miniature cathedral for woodlice at the Eastbourne burns unit, but he will catch up on the minutes. We have a little bit to get through, so….."
Miggins: "How was your holiday dear ?"
Cuttress: "Rather disappointing I'm afraid Mrs Miggins. The beaches were lovely, but some frightful oiks kept trying to build their grotty sandcastles right next to where I was sunbathing. I had the authorities move them on of course, but it totally spoilt the peace, beauty and natural tranquility next to our 650 room eight story hotel, adjacent to the jetski school. It quite put me off my bananaboat trip".
Miggins: "The little fuckers."
Cuttress: "Indeed. Now, moving on. Mr Scrotely, can you provide a progress report on the carrot analysis project please ?"
Scrotely: (shifts uncomfortably) "Arrr, well its loike this Mrs C…"
Cuttress: "Now see here you over-bloated wartridden 12-fingered bumpkin. You've had three months to report back on the 2007 carrot crop forcasts. How can we possible manage to compile an accurate autumn village stew projection report if you don't have the first idea what you have festering within that overgrown dungheap you call a garden ?"
Scrotely: "Oi'll 'ave those numbererings thingies to you by sundown tomaaarrow Mrs C, and that be gods hon…."
Cuttress: "Just be sure you do. Mrs Nipplescab, an update on the student vehicle sabotage programme please."
Nipplescab: "Oh its going swimmingly Mrs C. One of those unwashed lank-haired workshy freaks parked his Citroen Saxo next to the pond last Thursday, and rather foolishly left his passenger window open. I managed to stuff an aborted badger foetus into his glovebox, and my little niece Trixyfanny jammed a putrefied seal carcass right up under his wheel arch. He was violently sick in the pond when he returned. He won't be back in a hurry, that’s for sure".
Cuttress: "Excellent work Mrs Nipplescab, excellent. You see Scrotely ? That’s what we need around here. RESULTS. If only you cou……oh whats the point."
Miggins: "How was that holiday of yours dear ?"
Cuttress: "Mrs Miggins, please could you refrain from interrupting, we've been over that already. Have you taken your medication today ?"
Dr Flappengroetin: "Mrs Cuttress, you may or may not be aware of the fact that Mrs Miggins woke up this morning under the firm belief that she was in fact a prize marrow on her way to taking part in an elite vegetation display at the South of England show. It has taken me the best part of four hours to persuade her otherwise. I would therefore appreciate it if you softened your tone and indulged her slightly".
Cuttress: "My apologies Doctor, I was not aware. Mrs Miggins, I had a lovely holiday, thank you for asking."
Miggins: (Nods appreciatively)
Cuttress: "OK, to round things off then. Obviously while I was away, Lewes District Council will have found some obscure grounds for appeal against those tossers and their football thing, and will be announcing their objections at 23:59 on September 3rd. I would just like to reiterate our wholehearte….."
Scrotely: "Arrr...errr…beggin' thy's pardon Mrs C, but the Lewes lot ain't, uur…well, what they said is, loike….arrr...see the thing is…."
Cuttress: (slowly massaging bridge of nose) "Scrotely, you're not telling me they've given up now are you ?"
Scrotely: "No no no, no. Not given arp, no, not exactly loike. No, nuthin loike thaaat. They just said that arrfter due consideration an'all thaat, they, err, ain't appealing the decision after alls, loike. Aye, that’s it."
(Cuttress stands up, grabs a pitchfork, and launches it across the room, impaling Scrotely by the chest to the far wall)
Scrotely: "AAAAARRRRRGGGHHH….c…c..croipes…" (slumps)
Cuttress: "OK, lets have a sit-rep. The Government has twice said yes to this infernal stadium. The new National Park borders have removed the AONB status from Falmer. They're giving them five and a half million quid to help build the new traffic interchange. The local planning authority are now not backing an appeal. We have £3.88 in the Parish kitty, and we need that to buy some new batteries for Mr Throckbollocks doorbell. Right. All those still in favour of appealing again against this decision say AYE."
Flappengroetin: (stares at feet)
Scrotely: *Gurgle*
Miggins: "So how was your holiday then dear ?"
Cuttress: *slumps over desk*
I'm not sure if there was "Any Other Business" on the agenda, but it seemed the major issues for FPC had been discussed in full by this point, so I made my excuses and left. A clear decision on whether to appeal didn't really seem to emerge from this evenings proceedings, but I remain optimistic that sense will prevail, in the end.
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| 6 L A T E S T R E P L I E S (Newest First) |
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 12/08/2007 : 13:08:46
I still reckon they should sign up my Leah ... last time she got away from me she four-pawed a whole game of football all by herself. Scoring all the goals on both sides of the pitch and leaving 22 players standing in awe at her dribbling skills. |
| Control Panel |
Posted - 12/08/2007 : 13:05:16
As bullfighting is still allowed in Spain despite the EC, there cannot be any objection to allow a number of sheep remaining
on the pitch during an Albion game. To watch the players wending their way around these animals would bring a new levl of skill to the game and also provide a novelty to ensure that the stadium is fuller than it would otherwise. The Albion been has the subject of so many jokes in football circles that it would soon get used to any sneers from other teams. |
| Infinite Poppadum |
Posted - 12/08/2007 : 12:45:22
What with that in Hull and Greggs in Newcastle, no wonder there is such pressure on housebuilding in the south-east..
But, of course, to be on the safe side the sheep will be taken back to the hills before the supporters set to work with the scoops and bags. |
| Miriam Binder |
Posted - 12/08/2007 : 12:36:16
quote:
Originally posted by Control Panel
the Albion is considering the use of sheep - not the supporters - to keep the grass down on the pitch. as part of the "countryside initiative".
I am very glad you have clarified your post there Control especially in view of this |
| Control Panel |
Posted - 12/08/2007 : 12:29:34
In the spirit of compromise and "getting round the table", the Albion is considering the use of sheep - not the supporters - to keep the grass down on the pitch. as part of the "countryside initiative". Supporters will be asked to volunteer to remove any droppings left in this process: scoops and bags wil be provided for this. It is certainly good publicity but perhaps leaves the Albion open to cheap jeers from the other teams' supporters. |
| Daveb |
Posted - 12/08/2007 : 08:37:21
Welcome back Easy10 |
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