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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 17:27:35
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Originally posted by Dingo
http://www.zefrank.com/
The cat stuff is good. Patience needed if not on broadband..........
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 17:53:46
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Originally posted by Dingo
uno mirena
Many thanx for that link. Just spent a happy 30 mins of laughter!
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 17:54:32
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Originally posted by Japonica2
quote:
Originally posted by Dingo
How about
http://www.brunching.com/cgi/cyborger.cgi
D.I.N.G.O.: Device Intended for Nullification and Galactic Observation
Prairie dog. Grr-oof.
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 17:55:48
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Originally posted by victor
quote:
Originally posted by Tombstone Blues
try this
http://www.rathergood.com/
The Pavarotti and northern kittens animations are particularly good - but most of the stuff on this site is worth a look.
omg this site is GREAT - "Buffy Swears" had me in absolute stiches!
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 17:57:16
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Originally posted by Dingo
Questionable taste?
Sung to the tune: Bohemian Rhapsody
NAAN, just killed a man,
Poppadom against his head,
Had lime pickle now he's dead,
Naan, dinner's just begun,
But now I'm gonna crap it all away,
Naan, ohhhh ohhhhhh,
Didn't mean to make you cry,
Seen nothing yet just see the loo tomorrow,
Curry on, curry on,
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine,
Rectum aching all the time,
Goodbye Onion Bhaji,
I've gotta go,
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo
Nanan, ohhhhh ohhhhh
The Doopiaza is so mild,
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all
Sitar solo
I see a little Chicken Tikka on the side,
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass me the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely,
Very very spicy, Meat!
Biriani (Biriani)
Biriani (Biriani)
Biriani and a Naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo).
I've eaten Balti somebody help me,
She's eaten Balti, get her to the lavatory
Stand you well back,
'cause the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes, there it goes
Technicolor yawn, I chunder
NO! It's coming up again,
(there she goes)
I chunder it's coming back again,
(there she goes)
Coming back again (up again)
Here it goes again,
(no,no,no,no,no,no,NO!)
On my knees I'm on my knees,
On her knees, oh, there she goes,
This Vindaloo,
It's about to wreck my guts,
Poor me.poor me.poor me.. poor meeee..
Sitar solo
So you think you can chunder and feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you puke like a baby,
Just had to come out,
It just had to come right out here.
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 19:47:41
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Originally posted by Dingo
Yuo know you have passed 25 when.....
1. You leave clubs before the end to "beat the rush" .
2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing.
3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section.
5. You prefer Later with Jools Holland to Top of the Pops.
6. All of a sudden, Tony Blair is not 46, he's only 46.
7. Before going out anywhere, you ask what the parking is like.
8. Rather than throw a knackered pair of trainers out, you keep them because they'll be all right for the garden.
9. You buy your first ever T-shirt without anything written on it.
10. Instead of laughing at the innovations catalogue that falls out of the newspaper, you suddenly see both the benefit and money saving properties of a plastic winter cover for your garden bench and an electronic mole repellent for the lawn. Not to mention the plastic man for the car to deter would-be thieves.
11. You start to worry about your parents' health.
12. Sure, you have more disposable income, but everything you want to buy costs between 200 and 500 quid.
13. You don't get funny looks when you buy a Disney video or a Wallace and Gromit bubble bath, as the sales assistant assumes they are for your child.
14. Pop music all starts to sound crap.
15. You become powerless to resist the lure of self-assembly furniture.
16. You always have enough milk in.
17. To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent really loud Tapas restaurants and franchise pubs with wacky names in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
18. While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon C4's Time Team with Tony Robinson. You get drawn in.
19. The benefits of a pension scheme become clear.
20. You wish you had a shed.
21. You have a shed.
22. You actually find yourself saying "They don't make 'em like that anymore" and "I remember when there were only 3 TV channels" and "Of course, in my day...."
23. Radio 2 play more songs you know than Radio 1 - and Jimmy Young has some really interesting guests on.
24. Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at schoolchildren whose dictation is poor.
25. When sitting outside a pub you become envious of their hanging baskets.
26. You make an effort to be in and out of the curry house by 11.
27. You come face to face with your own mortality for the first time, and the indestructibility of the 20s gives way to a realisation that you are but passing through this life and if you don't settle down soon and have kids you'll have no-one to look after you when you're old and frail and incontinent and you can't go on p**sing your life up against a wall forever and think of how many brain cells you're destroying every time a swift half turns into 10 pints, and look at that, a full set of stainless steel saucepans for 99 quid, they cost as much as 35 each if you buy them separately, and you get a milk pan thrown in, ...
28. You find yourself saying "is it cold in here or is it just me?"
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 19:48:17
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Originally posted by Samurai Penny
Welcome to the world of the oddly-aged, Dingo! There are benefits, but I can't think of them right now!
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 19:49:28
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Originally posted by Japonica2
quote:
Originally posted by Samurai Penny
Welcome to the world of the oddly-aged, Dingo! There are benefits, but I can't think of them right now!
I realized I'd truly joined the ranks of the middle-aged when I slunk in at four in the morning and peered up the stairs to see my daughter standing at the top declaring "And what time do you call this then?".
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 19:50:23
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Originally posted by Borninhove
You also become invisible to anyone under 21, start making little grunting noises when you get out of a low sofa and start cringing at the clothes worn on Top of the Pops Two - how on earth did we ever think THAT looked cool!
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 19:51:08
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Originally posted by Tombstone Blues
quote:
Welcome to the world of the oddly-aged, Dingo! There are benefits, but I can't think of them right now!
How about these, Penny?
1. You look at youngsters with their peer-group pressure uniforms and smile because you realise that it really doesn't matter and you wear what the hell you like.
2. You can listen to, and enjoy, all types of music without worrying about losing credibility with your friends.
3. You find yourself laughing at a lot of things you used to be very serious and worried about.
4. You may be stuck with a ridiculous ageing body, but in your head you're still 23, and happy with that.
5. Sex is more fun because you have less hangups about it.
6. the things you do really care about have been forged in the fire of experience, so you know they're real
7. You can feel incredibly wiser than anyone who takes reality TV seriously!
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 19:52:20
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Originally posted by Samurai Penny
Excellent, Tomb! That's what I would have said had I grabbed the time to think about it! There is true liberation in age - I just hope to keep enough health to enjoy it for as long as I can! 
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 19:53:04
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Originally posted by Blondie
And man said to God, "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?" and God replied, "So that you would love her." "But God" said the man "why did you make her so dumb?" And God looked at him, smiled and said "So SHE would love YOU."
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 19:55:02
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Originally posted by Tombstone Blues
sexist jokes is it, Blondie?
. . .OK
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90 percent. ...wedding cake!
Q. How do you make five pounds of fat look great?
A. Put a nipple on it.
Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.
What s the difference between a woman with PMS and a pit bull?
Lipstick.
Why do women close their eyes during sex?
They can't stand to see a man having a good time.
What should you do if your girlriend starts smoking?
Slow down. And possibly use a lubricant.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
After five years your job will still suck.
A "Husband Shopping Centre" was opened where a woman could go to chose from among many men, to be her husband.
It was laid out in 5 floors, with the men increasing in positive attributes as you ascended up the floors. The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you must choose a man from that floor, and if you went up a floor, you couldn't get back down except to leave the place.
So a couple of girlfriends go to the place to find men.
First floor, the door had a sign saying 'These men have jobs and love kids'.
The women read the sign and say "Well that's better than not having jobs or not loving kids, but i wonder what's further up". So up they go.
Second floor says 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking'. "Hmmm" say the girls, "But i wonder what's further up".
Third floor: 'These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework.'
"Wow!" say the women, "very tempting, BUT, there's more further up!" And so again, up they go.
Fourth floor: 'These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak.'
"Oh mercy me. But just think!?!?! What must be awaiting us further on!"
So up to the fifth floor they go.
The sign on the door said 'This floor is just to prove that it’s ****ing impossible to please a woman !’
A man is walking on the beach when he sees a corked bottle washed up on the shore. He pulls out the cork and, sure enough, out pops a genie.
“Wow, you’re a genie, I get three wishes, right?”
“actually, no, you only get one wish, and it must be something you really want, your heart’s desire.”
“well . . .this may sound silly but ever since I was a child I’ve wanted to drive to america.”
“What ?”
“To drive to america. I want you to create a bridge across the atlantic, from england to america, then I can drive my car across it. And the bridge will be mine so I can make a fortune charging people to use it.”
“Look, I can do magic, but get real! Do you realise how deep the atlantic is? How large the supporting pillars would have to be? And they’d have to be strong enough to withstand icebergs, atlantic gales, and huge tankers crashing into them. and even if the bridge was built it would be the most obvious terrorist target on the face of the earth. It would have to be bomb-proof and probably have an army stationed on it. How about something a little more realistic?”
“OK, How about this, I’ve always wanted to really understand women, I want to understand how they see things so I can relate to them and get closer to them, I want to have the ability to think the way they do.”
And the genie said:
“How many lanes do you want on your bridge?”
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 19:56:01
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Originally posted by Blondie
Very good Tombstone, now perhaps we should let someone else have a turn. Oh by the way, did you see that article in the Telegraph about the two women who went for a tramp in the woods.......................................HE GOT AWAY!
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 19:59:46
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Originally posted by Tombstone Blues
GCSE Exams
The following questions and answers were collected from last year’s GCSE exams, and are some of the answers given by British students writing their fifth form (Year 11) GCSE Exams last year. These are genuine responses!! (16 year olds are stupid - but we love’em. They cheer up a teacher’s day no end)
Geography
Name the four seasons?
Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.
Q Explain of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink?
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.
Q. What is a planet?
A. A body of earth surrounded by sky
Q. What causes the tides in the ocean?
A. The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the Moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
Sociology
What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on?
If you are buying a house, they will insist you are well endowed.
In a democratic society, how important are elections?
Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
What are steroids?
Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
Biology
What happens to your body when you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.
What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.
Name a major disease associated with cigarettes?
Premature death.
What is artificial insemination?
When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
How can you delay milk turning sour?
Keep it in the cow (He got an A)
How are the main parts of the body categorised? (e.g. abdomen)
The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax, the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowls, A,E,I,O and U.
What is the Fibula?
A small lie
What does “varicose” mean?
Nearby
What is the most common form of birth control?
Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.
Give the meaning of the term “Caesarean Section”?
The caesarean section is a district in Rome.
What is a seizure?
A Roman emperor
What is a terminal illness?
When you are sick at the airport
Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas.
English
Use the word “judicious” in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
Hands that judicious can be soft as your face.
What does the word “benign” mean?
Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:01:05
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Originally posted by Nazdrowie
Metaphor madness
His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.
The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.
McMurphy fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a paper bag filled with vegetable soup.
Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the centre.
Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6:36 p.m. travelling at 55 mph, the other from Peterborough at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.
John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
The red brick wall was the colour of a brick-red crayon.
Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.
The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Family Fortunes.
The plan was simple, like my brother Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:02:29
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Originally posted by Dingo
Someone once told me English is easy to learn, what do you think?
OUR WONDERFUL ENGLISH LANGUAGE
ENGLISH?
This little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the
brave. It was passed on by a linguist, original author unknown. Peruse at
your
leisure, English lovers.
Please do read the entire passage as it makes for an interesting
intellectual read.
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
13) They were too close to the door to close it.
14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail.
18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
Let's face it - English is a crazy language.
There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine
in pineapple.
English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet and are meat.
We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that
quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth, beeth?
One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? One index, 2 indices?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend. If you
have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do
you call it?
If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats
vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
Sometimes I think all the English speakes should be committed to an
asylum for the verbally insane.
In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship
by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a
wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling
it out, in which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
lights are out, they are invisible.
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:05:15
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Originally posted by Tombstone Blues
rectal surgeon song -
http://www.wagtime.net/surgeon.htm
Scratcher, I suggest that you don't look at this, I'd hate to be responsible for offending your delicate sensibilities!
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:07:29
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Originally posted by Dingo
A bit jumbled but...........
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with
the most romantic first line but the least romantic second line...!
Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pi$$ed.
*************************
I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
**************************
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
**************************
Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face.
****************************
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.
******************************
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
*******************************
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
************************************
My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life.
************************************
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.
***************************************
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?
****************************************
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe "go to hell".
**************************************
What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
A Police Force recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees". The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our Sergeants has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the Sergeant?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool!!! For four weeks we've been eating Inspectors and Superintendents and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat someone important!"
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery
As she laid her pet on the table; the vet pulled out his stethoscope
and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet
shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done
any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet
patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with
a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said,
"I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a
bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£150!” she cried, " £150
just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would
have been £20, but what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan ......!
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."
"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"
“He said you're going to die," she replied.
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:09:08
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Originally posted by perfidious albionette
http://www.framleyexaminer.com/
Brilliant in its own right.
Sublime for anyone who has ever worked on a provincial newspaper!
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
5805 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:11:43
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Originally posted by n/a(If you know who posted this, please let me know so I can attribute it appropriately)
Always wear a seatbelt!
http://www.949zeta.com/noSeatBelt/noSeatbelt.html
fyi its a bit slow to load, so when it finally does, right click on the pic and choose play.
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Dingo's Humour Thread