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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:14:10
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Originally posted by Nazdrowie
Colour film and a polarising filter,to reduce any glare from the water
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:14:58
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Originally posted by Tombstone Blues
http://www.rtmark.com/cards/
Who says the Americans have no sense of irony?
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:15:54
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Originally posted by Dingo
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
> "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." - U.S. Army
> "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop
> "If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
> "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance
> "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
> "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
> "Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
> "Five-second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
> "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - Col. David Hackworth
> "If your attack is going too well, you're probably walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal
> "No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
> "Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once." - Anonymous
> "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Army Recruit
> "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
> (And lastly)
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - U.S. Ammo Troop
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:16:38
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Originally posted by Samurai Penny
This was the funniest thing I had ever seen when I first read it. It is taken from a genuine Qantas airline technician's log. It is genuine, which makes it even funnier. Trying to imagine the looks on the pilots' faces when they read the techie's reply is another humour level by itself!
P - The problem logged by the pilot.
S - The solution and action taken by the engineers.
P - Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S - Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P - Test flight OK, except autoland very rough.
S - Autoland not installed on this aircraft.
P - No. 2 propeller seeping prop fluid.
S - No. 2 propeller seepage normal - Nos. 1, 3 and 4 propellers lack normal seepage.
P - Something loose in cockpit.
S - Something tightened in cockpit.
P - Dead bugs on windshield.
S - Live bugs on backorder.
P - Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-fpm descent.
S - Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P - Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S - Evidence removed.
P - DME volume unbelievably loud.
S - Volume set to more believable level.
P - Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S - That's what they are there for!
P - IFF inoperative.
S - IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P - Suspected crack in windscreen.
S - Suspect you're right.
P - Number 3 engine missing.
S - Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P - Aircraft handles funny.
S - Aircraft warned to "Straighten up, Fly Right, and Be Serious."
P - Target radar hums.
S - Reprogrammed target radar with words.
P - Mouse in cockpit.
S - Cat installed.
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:18:29
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Originally posted by Blondie
Penny as far as Quantas is concerned, I would believe anything. The recent "near misses" ..................no comment!
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:19:24
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Originally posted by Dingo
LTNS loses the right to free speech!
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:20:06
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Originally posted by sonic
That wouldn't shut HER up for long.......
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:20:45
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] Originally posted by Dingo
It was a joke Sonic, not meaning to be nasty to her...........
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:25:35
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Originally posted by Miriam Binder
The dangers of direct translation are highlighted by the following information I read on a Doctor's surgery door in Israel
Dr Some Body MD
A doctor for women and other diseases.
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:36:33
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] Originally posted by long time no see
Good Post Dingo.
Is that American Police I see.
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:37:06
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Originally posted by Tombstone Blues
Genuine complaints received by Britain's travel operators
No one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.
We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.
The brochure stated "No hairdressers at the accommodation". We're trainee
hairdressers, will we be OK staying here?
It took us nine hours to fly to Jamaica from England - it only took the Americans
three hours.
I compared the size of our one-bedroom apartment to our friends' three
bedroom apartment and ours was significantly smaller.
It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel.
I was bitten by a mosquito - no one said they could bite.
We booked an excursion to the water park but no one told us we had to bring our swimming costumes and towels.
We found the sand was not like the sand in your brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as yellow but it was white.
My fiance and I booked a twin-bedded room and we were placed in a double-bedded room. We now hold you responsible for the fact that I find myself pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the rooms that we had booked.
And finally, from a holidaymaker in Spain .....
There were too many Spanish people. The receptionist spoke Spanish. The food is Spanish. Too many foreigners.
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:37:39
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Originally posted by Dingo
Just say no.....
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:39:29
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Originally posted by diamondgeezer
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:40:07
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Originally posted by diamondgeezer
Just to prove I am not sexist
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:40:45
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Originally posted by Dingo
Excellent post DG.
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:41:34
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Originally posted by Nazdrowie
"Personal ads" in the Dublin News
Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.
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Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.
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Ginger haired Galway man, a trouble-maker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.
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Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.
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Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.
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Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.
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Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:47:03
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Originally posted by The Duke of Uranus
Pee Mail
Hurrah 
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:49:25
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Originally posted by Nazdrowie
INDIAN RHAPSODY
Naan, just killed a man
poppadom against his head
Had lime pickle now he's dead.
Naan, dinner's just begun
But now I'm gonna throw it all away.
Naan, ooh, ooh Didn't mean to make you cry
If I'm not back from the loo by this time tomorrow
Curry on, curry on
Cause nothing really Madras.
Too late, my dinner's gone
Sends shivers down my spine
Bottom aching all the time
Goodbye onion bhaji, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and use the loo.
Naan, ooh, ooh
This dopiaza is so mild
I sometimes wish we'd never come here at all.
[guitar solo]
I see a little chicken tikka on the side
Rogan Josh, Rogan Josh, pass the chutney made of mango
Vindaloo does nicely Very very spicy
Meat!
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani (Byriani)
Byriani and a naan
(A vindaloo loo loo loo)
I've eaten balti, somebody help me
He's eaten balti, get him to the lavatory
Stand you well back
'Case the loo is quarantined...
Here it comes
There it goes
Technicolor yawn
I chunder
No!
It's coming up again
(There he goes)
I chunder, it's coming back again
(There he goes)
Coming back again
(up again)
Here it comes again.
(No no no no no no NO)
On my knees, I'm on my knees
On his knees, Oh, there he goes
This vindaloo
Is about to wreck my guts
Poor meee.. poor meeee...poor MEEEEEE!
[guitar solo]
So you think you can chunder and then feel alright?
So you try to eat curry and drink beer all night?
Oh maybe, but now you'll puke like a baby
Just had to come out
It just had to come right out in here.
[guitar solo]
[slow bit]
Korma or dopiaza
bhaji, naan or saag
Nothing makes a difference
Nothing makes a difference
To meee....
(Any way the wind blows....shshshsh)
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:51:10
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Originally posted by uno mirena
Thank you, Naz - me & my other half have just given a rendition! The kids are looking at us like we should fetch our coats but we haven't laughed so much in ages!!
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 20:52:08
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] Originally posted by Pelagia
Brilliant Naz!!
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 21:04:38
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Originally posted by katz
I knew there were more out there, but I couldn't remember where. Thanks Duke, now there's even more things to distract me from what I sould be doing!
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
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Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6046 Posts |
Posted - 25/03/2007 : 21:06:52
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Originally posted by n/a (If you know who posted this, please let me know so I can attribute it appropriately)
This needs sound, and is crap too.
http://www.very.de/
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Topic |
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Dingo's Humour Thread