| Author |
Topic |
|
NAZZ
Barsoom
United Kingdom
179 Posts |
|
|
Tombstone Blues
Earthsea
2227 Posts |
Posted - 10/04/2007 : 14:15:04
|
George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell
where the devil is waiting for him.
'I'm not sure what to do,' says the devil. 'You're on my list
but I have no room for you. As you definitely have to stay here, I'm
going to have to let someone else go. I've got three folks here who
weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to
take their place. I'll even let you decide who leaves.'
George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed.
The devil opened the first room. In it were Richard Nixon and a
large pool of hot water. He kept diving in and climbing out, over and
over.
Such was his fate in hell.
'No!' George said. 'I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and
don't think I could stay in hot water all day.'
The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a
sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing the hammer,
time after time.
'No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in
constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day' commented
George.
The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton
lying on the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs
staked in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing
what she does best.
George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally
said, 'Yeah, I can handle this.'
The devil smiled and said, 'Ok, Monica, you're free to go!'
|
 |
|
|
Tombstone Blues
Earthsea
2227 Posts |
Posted - 19/04/2007 : 18:20:16
|
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting in a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well", said the little old man, "for old time's sake, let's go there again, and I'll give you one from behind."
Without them knowing, the young man sitting next to them had overheard the conversation and smiled to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it.
He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, the little old lady reaches for the fence. What follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the young man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second.
Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
The young man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years time!"
By this time the two old pensioners have recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the young man approaches the pensioners. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified!"
|
|
|
|
Denise
Barsoom
129 Posts |
 Posted - 20/04/2007 : 20:01:23
|
Ireland's worst air disaster happened early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. So far Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1,234 bodies.
Police arrested two kids yesterday. One was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
(The late great Tommy Cooper.) |
Voice of Reason / Norfolk Unity |
|
|
|
Fluffy Sheep
Discworld
1197 Posts |
Posted - 21/04/2007 : 19:30:30
|
This is a true one, folks.
A sweet but very muddled old lady on our ward, generally argues every mealtime that it`s a different time of day. Yesterday, waking after a nap in her chair at teatime, she protested she was still waiting for her breakfast....I explained that she`d had both, and it was now teatime, but she`d been sleeping so she had forgotten. She grudgingly accepted this, but as I turned away I heard her saying to the lady next to her "You know, I don`t like the way they tell the time nowadays" |
Row faster, slaves! Caesar wants to waterski! |
|
|
|
BLONDIE
Barsoom
245 Posts |
Posted - 24/04/2007 : 14:30:34
|
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "'pon my soul, you're in the wrong 'ole,
there's plenty of room in the right one." |
|
|
|
BLONDIE
Barsoom
245 Posts |
Posted - 24/04/2007 : 14:31:23
|
There was a young sailor from Brighton,
Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one."
She replied, "'pon my soul, you're in the wrong 'ole,
there's plenty of room in the right one." |
|
|
|
Sephiroth
Alagaësía
5 Posts |
Posted - 25/04/2007 : 20:34:07
|
| One more time? |
|
|
|
Dingo
Barsoom
United Kingdom
292 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2007 : 21:36:41
|
MOTHERS
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you Into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, You're not going to the store with me."
6 My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone.."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE .
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING .
"You are going to get it when you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOR
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS .
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think You were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you |
|
|
|
Dingo
Barsoom
United Kingdom
292 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2007 : 21:42:19
|
A motorcycle officer stops a vehicle that has ran a red light.
The driver is a real jerk and comes running back to the officer and asks
why he is being harassed by the Gestapo and the officer calmly tells the
driver of the red light violation.
The driver goes into a tirade, and questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation etc. The officer takes it all in
professional stride and writes the ticket and places an "AH" in the bottom right hand corner - in the narrative box.
The officer hands the driver the ticket and requests a
signature. The driver angrily signs the ticket and notices the "AH" and
demands to know what that is for.
The officer removes his mirror like sunglasses and gets in the
drivers face and in a low voice says "So that when we get in court in three months time, I can remember that you are an asshole!"
Three months later, in court, the driver has hired a lawyer,
as his driving record is not what you would call perfect, and he expects to
lose his licence.
The officer gives his evidence on the driver running a red
light. Then under cross examination, the driver's lawyer asks if this is
the ticket the officer had issued.
"Yes, this is the defendant's copy of the ticket I issued"
states the officer.
Lawyer then asks " Is there any particular marking or notation
on this ticket that you don't normally make?"
The officer says "Yes in the bottom right hand corner, in the
Narrative box, is the AH underlined"
Lawyer "What does the 'AH' stand for, officer?"
Officer " Aggressive and Hostile"
Lawyer " Are you sure?"
Officer " Yes sir."
Lawyer " Are you sure that it doesn't stand for asshole?"
Officer " Well sir, I am sure you know your client better than
I do"
|
|
|
|
Sephiroth
Alagaësía
5 Posts |
Posted - 11/05/2007 : 21:58:01
|
TRy ThiS
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan
What is a Americanee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts
Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs
What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends .
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides |
|
|
|
nightbird
Calaspia
603 Posts |
|
|
Fluffy Sheep
Discworld
1197 Posts |
Posted - 26/05/2007 : 00:20:00
|
| Brilliant! |
Row faster, slaves! Caesar wants to waterski! |
|
|
|
Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6016 Posts |
|
|
nightbird
Calaspia
603 Posts |
|
|
Arthur
Alagaësía
20 Posts |
Posted - 31/05/2007 : 21:35:05
|
 |
|
|
|
diamondgeezer
Alagaësía
7 Posts |
Posted - 03/06/2007 : 18:13:20
|
What is an Essex Girl's Favorite wine ??
Take me to Lakeside
|
|
|
|
nightbird
Calaspia
603 Posts |
|
|
uno mirena
Alagaësía
40 Posts |
|
|
Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6016 Posts |
Posted - 18/06/2007 : 18:16:30
|
| He is fantastic ... |
"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" - Benjamin Franklin |
|
|
|
Dingo
Barsoom
United Kingdom
292 Posts |
|
|
Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6016 Posts |
Posted - 20/06/2007 : 00:46:38
|
| Strangely funny? |
"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" - Benjamin Franklin |
|
|
|
Pennywise
Alagaësía
14 Posts |
|
|
Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6016 Posts |
Posted - 23/06/2007 : 19:48:51
|
quote:
Originally posted by Pennywise
Be warned, not for wimps.
http://www.sickipedia.org/wiki/index.php?title=Main_Page
So old ... it was due a comeback for the umpteenth time I expect. Having said that, I would have put a different warning on it ... something like "Be warned, not for those with anything more then half a braincell." |
"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" - Benjamin Franklin |
|
|
|
Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6016 Posts |
Posted - 03/07/2007 : 14:01:39
|
 |
"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" - Benjamin Franklin |
|
|
|
Dingo
Barsoom
United Kingdom
292 Posts |
Posted - 03/07/2007 : 19:08:15
|
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, it's a permanent job.'
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went T'PAU! I said 'Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said 'No, I've got china in my hand.'
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best Before End'
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he?'
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue, and I couldn't put it down.
I phoned the local ramblers club today, and this bloke just went on and on.
My mate asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me.'
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
I bought a train ticket and the driver said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I take out The Elephant Man?' He said, 'He's not your type.' I said 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'
|
|
|
|
nightbird
Calaspia
603 Posts |
Posted - 17/07/2007 : 21:24:20
|
Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat.
The first kid says, "My Dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides under the bed."
The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the woman next door
 |
|
|
|
Dingo
Barsoom
United Kingdom
292 Posts |
Posted - 22/07/2007 : 21:25:34
|
A duck walks into a pub and orders a schooner of beer and a ham
sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "But you're a duck".
"I see your eyes are working", replies the duck.
"And you talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working", says the duck,
"Now can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly", says the barman, "sorry about that, it's just we don't
get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?".
"I'm working on the building site across the road", explains the duck.
Then the duck drinks his beer, eats his sandwich and leaves.
This continues for 2 weeks. Then one day the circus comes to town.
Ringleader of the circus comes into the pub and the barman says to
Him, "You're with the circus aren't you?, I know this duck that would
be just brilliant in your circus, he talks, drinks beer and everything!".
"Sounds marvellous", says the ringleader, "get him to give me a call".
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
"Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money!"
"Yeah?", says the duck, "Sounds great, where is it?"
"At the circus", says the barman.
"The circus?" the duck enquires.
"That's right", replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again.
"Yes" says the barman
"That place with the big tent?" the duck enquires.
"Yeah" the barman replies.
"With all the animals?" the duck questioned.
"Of Course" the barman replies.
"With the big canvas roof with the hole in the middle", asks the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck looks confused.
"What the f*ck would they want with a plasterer? |
|
|
|
Miriam Binder
Earthsea
United Kingdom
6016 Posts |
Posted - 25/07/2007 : 00:06:35
|
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.
A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the
birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The birch says he cannot tell.
Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if
that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.
He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It
is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in |
"Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety" - Benjamin Franklin |
|
|
|
Dingo
Barsoom
United Kingdom
292 Posts |
Posted - 01/08/2007 : 21:04:51
|
A tourist visiting Taunton walked into a pet shop and was looking at the
animals on display. While he was there, a Police Sergeant walked in and
said to the shopkeeper, "I'll take a Traffic Patrol monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to the cage at the side of the shop
and took out a monkey. He fit it with a collar and leash, handed it to
the customer saying, "That'll be £5,000." The Sgt. paid and walked out
with his monkey.
Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said "That was a
very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why
did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey is a qualified breath
operator, can write twenty tickets a week, and is certified in pursuit
driving- well worth the money."
The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That ones even more
expensive! £10,000! What does it do?"
"Oh, that ones a firearms training monkey , it can instruct other
monkeys in Basic Firearms Skills, Counter terrorism Training, Physical
Training, Small unit tactics and investigative techniques, and even
type. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.
The tourist turned and saw another monkey, with the price tag of £15,000.
"That one must be even better? What does it do?"
That one is a general duties monkey, he is required to know everything
about anything, be there yesterday, and then duplicate the information
12 times before tomorrow, relay the same information to 20 different
departments, write reports about everything that the old monkeys cant
see anymore, be in
5 different places at once, get yelled at by everyone who passes by,
and takes the blame for everything all the other monkeys do wrong."
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a fourth monkey
in a cage of it’s own. The price tag around its neck read £50,000. He
gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put
together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything
yet, but it says it's a detective!" |
|
|
|
Topic |
|
|
|
Dingo's Humour Thread
